PND Stopping The Fight

You know the words 'Post Natal Depression' and if you havent had it yourself then you know someone or have heard of someone who has.  Well I have been sinking in this world for 2 1/2 years now.  I pushed so hard for my daughter, after many tragedies we finally had her, but in that split second where you see mothers smiling in ecstasy at their new borns, my first thought was 'ohh my god, who are you and what have I done'.  I was completely overwhelmed from the first second she arrived and felt like running.  I had a really well meaning friend see it and she told me, I was livid, I threw it back in her face and discarded her from my life...woops! sorry!  But we honestly couldnt see it then, not even Kelly, isnt mothering supposed to be hard???  We kept going and at 6 months I was ready to flip, I refused to take any meds and instead got a part time job so me and Kelly worked a 1/2 day each, this was much more my style.  But its Kelly who can console her best and always got her to sleep in the middle of the night.  I constantly felt I was failing as a mother, I would observe other mothers and wonder what they were feeling, because inside me I felt nothing, and I still feel mainly nothing.  I love my child and would never leave her, wish her not here, or do anything ever to harm her...but the truth is, I just dont feel it at all, which I sometimes wonder may be more depressing than feeling something negative. Its been a hard journey and especially now with the last 6 months of my crazy soul searching journey, this mothering issue has risen and risen and risen.  So this week I have run at it head on and this is what happened.

I have realised that my child was so independent from day one. That she didnt need me like other kids needed their mothers, she didnt do cuddles much, wasent a demand feeder, hated being swaddled.  She is still so independent now, and loves to spend a few days a week (3) with her Grandma and Nana. 

We just dont do what other mothers and daughters do, we interact perfectly but when I try to be too much of a mum she hates it.  So I have to stop comparing myself constantly to other mothers and especially the smother mothers! and realise that this is our reality, this is how our relationship works...and thats the thing, it really does work.  This week after changing my perspective we have been so happy and fine and my mood has completely changed and I do feel the love.  All I had been concetrating on was what we werent doing and all the negative parts, not what we were doing.

We make art together and along side each other ( she needs her creative space or gets titchy when mummy is helping!! woops) we cook dinner together, read, sing, sew clothes, explore nature, dance, garden, play with animals, do our farm chores.  She is very very capable for her age everyone comments.

So Im not failing... Im just different.

I got out my Shona Cole book "The Artistic Mother" and started to reread about my creativity on this new mothering journey Im on.

What I did was make this journal, I had such a nice time making the cover and the book has plain pages in but also my daughters paintings, you know those thousands on painting you have stacked and dont know when you will ever be able to use them, well here they are, all bound together.

I use this book every night and I write something that she did today that made me laugh, or just another reason why I love being a mother, and I do love being a mother.

It will be a wonderful thing to look back on.

She is only 2 1/2, the tough years too and soon she will be five and out of my hands and learning so much from other people, this is my time and Im going to now record it as positively as possible.

My mum says that she can see me and Indi have a wonderful relationship and Indi has no idea Ive been having it so rough, so maybe its not really as bad in reality as it is in my mind....

Im glad I finally know this now.... 

There is plenty of love...  

we need each other in our own special way...

and when she wakes in the middle of the night crying...its now her Mummy she is calling for

what more proof do I need xxx

So go easy on yourself Mothers and Mothers to be

This is your world and your reality

so it dosent matter how you do it, as long as it works for you and yours

Mwaahhhh xxx

Sheree

FAIRY MERRY CHRISTMAS

OK second attempt to reappear in the blogging world has commenced!!!

Shit just got mega busy this year, Im sure everyone can feel that! but my new world resolution is to return and recreate this page from my new perspective.

Having a break from blogging has been as wonderful as blogging itself, I have learnt so much about why Im here and what I now have to say.  So Merry Christmas for yesterday, we had a rainy stormy one here just to add to the intensity : ) I will leave you with what I have done this December and come back for a review on my year once I get the photos together.

There is sooo much to catch up on xxx 

This Christmas I had an amazing creation take centre stage at New Zealands best fairy shop in Auckland.  I spent weeks making a 'Fairy Merry Christmas' display to delight the children and also give parents the opportunity to purchase sets for their own kids.  Here is what I made..

 the display is 800 x 400

 fairy mail

 a cute house made of  a stump with pinecone roof and hand carved door

 walnut gardens and vine window frames

 lunch is served on a bark table with wooden stools and poppy thrones, boganvillea placemats and pistachio bowls with poppy wine glasses and a beeswax chandalier

 fern Christmas tree with leaf wrapped presents

 pretty flower dresses await their turn to be worn

 whats for dinner?

 a little relaxing nook is so what you need on xmas with a leaver and flower mat and little books to read, cup of tea is always nice too, go gum nuts!

 tea?

 some lucky fairy got a peanut train

 and someone got some dolls

 bunting made from dried Manuka flowers

 golden gooseberry porch light

 home sweet home

 giving you a bit of perspective

 chimney

 woodcutters area, the axe is made from plain old driveway stones but it takes hours of searching to find the exact ones

 and you can also buy sets of fairy furniture (NZ only sorry, customs hate this stuff)

 we travelled thru the night with the display and arrived at a friends where the perspex cover box had been delivered, It fit perfectly and was pristine, I couldnt believe how amazing it looked, sniff sniff brought tears to my eyes

 a bit hard to photograph

 then it was off to the 'Fairy Shop' on Ponsonby Road, the girls had a tea party while we set up

 this is such an amazing shop

 my display is right in your path when you come in the door

 and the boxed sets are ready to be brought by lovers of nature fairies xxx

 It has been an interesting ride thru fairy world with this furniture.  Many people havent seemed to have thought this way before, its not only cute and appealing to children but it effects adults greatly too.  It instantly opens something inside of you to the possibilities nature has to offer, everything can be used.  It brings the nature back to the fairy element, something that could possibly be real and used by fairies.  The fairy world has become very plastic and PINK and sparkley (as I write this my daughter is running around in a pink sparkley fairy dress!)

Im not saying fight the pink(not sure thats possible!), I just want people to consider nature again

Nature....the most amazing artist of all xxx

I have just written my "What I do in 2013" list, as I do every year and a big thing is the expansion of this fairy furniture..... finally! into the cards, posters, books and screenprinted goods I have always wanted to do.  So watch this space, more regularly from today!!! and follow the new journey of

Raven Moon Magic

for a quick catch up on the past and a whole lotta present and future : )

xxx

Sheree