Resurfacing From The 'Death Haze' : (

Wow it feels like an eternity and a different world since my last post, when I was Happily plodding away making presents for a happy little christmas just around the corner.

But here I am instead resurfacing from the death haze surrounding the departure of my Grandad.

I only realised I was in the death haze when I came out the drive the other day and they had graded (smoothed out the stones) our road, I was so confused......I forgot that the whole world was still functioning fine and it was a week day, everyday felt like a Sunday to me.

India and her Grandad Brian, the fun they would have had

We have spent parts of the last week in a 24 hour family huddle around his bedside at his home, where he wanted to die.  He was able to talk until the last day or so, this meant we got to have last conversations that mean so much to me, talks about being reincarnated as a cow so he could live on the farm forever, I promised him I would try not to eat him! still having a laugh, I let him smell his last flower, a pink vintage tea rose which I have brought home to save forever.  He died on Tuesday while I stood at the end of his bed discussing with family how to drag photos to a new album on my macbook, I looked up, noticed his colour was shockingly different to the last time I was in the room and then he squinted hard and was gone, just like that, all the stories of long deaths with drawn out breathing patterns were not for us, just here and gone in an instant.

I know its very special to see something like this but all I have at the moment is sleepless nights full of nightmares of that moment

an actual moment of death.

Kauri Leaves

I had two days of panic, terror and anxiety thinking about him leaving before he came home to die, I processed those feelings with help from the wonderful sisterhood that is the 'Goddess Circle'. I made peace with my feelings of wanting to keep someone here just so he wasent gone.  I then got on with the job of us all helping him have a happy comfortable few days and move on to the next stage.

My grandfather was a Kiwi Bushman who worked on the farm and make woodworking and polished gum from Kauri trees among 100s of other jobs, so for his funeral we threw native branches as well as flowers onto his coffin, something the men in his family really appreciated, I photographed the whole funeral which for some reason I know is a bit wrong but it felt right so I did it anyway, and Im glad I did.

He is buried next to my Nana, in his spot that he has been admiring for years

 

It was mainly a happy funeral, as it is with old people

no tragedy to mourn

just a life well lived and time to move on

Pohutukawa Flowers

We covered the walls of the hall in enlarged photos of his life and had a slide show constantly playing, there was no loss of memory of who he was and what he has done for our community.  He came from a family of magic makers who created everything they could dream of, brothers and sisters who all had contributed to this place in such a large way farmers, authors, businessmen, builders, legendary watermelon growers, artists and creators

They all leave such a huge presence, all 8 of them

As nice and finalising as a funeral is, the moment I drove away from his house after the funeral was the worst feeling ever, I cried all night, things will now be different forever.

His home with him in it has been the one constant in my life that has never changed

everything else has moved around this, everything..

but his presence remained stable and reliable

the furniture set up

the noises

the smell

the people

everything always could be relied on

I never knew this to be able to change but here it is now

 here is our change

this is our reality

I have lost my centre, I have lost my true north, my earth has shifted, I have lost my balance

I feel lost

I didnt mind who I was because I was your grandaughter, your one girl , it now feels like and empty title

my compass always pointed back to this one place 

the center of my history

back to you

my compass is still spinning trying to find it new space to rest

for now I just have to sit with the happiness that I got to be your grandaughter

and admire this huge space that has been left

bigger than anyone could ever fill

I had to write this because I want to remember these feelings, this state Im in

I cant stand grief, its so suffocating and my body is so sick with tension, no sleep, no eating, I need to turn this thing around.

I have received so many well wishes, prayers and love over the last week that it has been amazing

what I feel I need more now at this stage is your advice on how to remember.

What do you do to remember??

dedicated gardens, rituals, spaces, art, celebrations.....

I would love your ideas and inspiration to help me process into the next stage

I want to make things so special so my daughter can understand healing

She has been thru this whole things hands on too, I have to make sure her grief dosent get left behind in the dust of mine

thanks for listening xxx

CHEERS!

xxx

Sheree