Im back from the deep abyss of creating, ready to return to the blogging world. Everyone needs a holiday and mine has been more of an OE.
So Im happy to be back here, back to the connection
I love it here and had a support like no other while I roamed these blog halls.
Missed it so much, I need need my online community back.
Since Ive been gone I have
exhibited, created, travelled, panicked, experimented with food, grown plants, raised a beautiful child, loved, painted, meditated alot!, cleaned, thrown out 70% of my books, written amazing stories, pinned, got back into movies, partied, cried, created a market day, become obsessed with wasabi, healed, moved forward, prayed, become a Grimm addict, perfected home made pasta, made jewellery, killed and eaten animals, drank cider, laughed, got an iphone, watched inspirational talks, made fairy furniture and my first book
I had an exhibition in August in a place 2.5 hours from my home. Now I still have Agoraphobia so it was a really good opportunity to push thru and get really uncomfortable and not explode or die like us special people seem to feel we are going to do.
My furniture was so well received and inspiring to others, really opening up their minds. This is a service I seem to be performing for free. Im having to find new ways to get my work into peoples everyday lives. Every loves it thats for sure but fairy furniture dosent easily relate to the everyday life, we dont all want a pretty stick display in our house.
This has been my mission, working on my creative business brain to figure out how I can use my creations as a by-product for something even bigger.
Its helped me understand the term Paradigm. The process of our mind expanding is interesting, we can only think what we can think and once we expand on a new idea its like a whole new layer is added, I have been working on this expansion over and over and my ideas are flowing so easily, its like Im really exercising my problem solving tools and they are getting bigger and better.
My creativity Paradigm is expanding and evolving at a great rate. It feels like your un-stop-able some days. The way creativity should be. Nothing worse than being stuck.
So even though anxiety may still prove a problem its not the biggest issue in the world so I dont pressure myself or pay it too much attention.
Im concentrating on what I want to create not what I want to be rid of. Its time will come. Im learning so much of real anxiety. Its very misunderstood, and I have an amazing insight into how this beast works. One day this will help someone or many so right now Im paying attention to how it works, and what are the benefits of having it. Sounds f*#ked, but there are many. My life was much to large before, I like this condensed version that keeps me grounded in my home town. I needed to be brought back to earth and concentrate on being here, not everywhere else, what better way to achieve that!
The universe aint silly, somethings going on, Im trusting this process and seeing it thru and no longer rushing out of uncomfortable-ness.
Im sitting with my miserable days and learning as much as I can.
Someone has been growing up since we have been away from here
Now 5 and going to big school, I love watching her read and write, its an amazing evolution, way more exciting than the crawling, walking type of milestones we are used to. She has the best imagination and tells the biggest stories otherwise known as porkies.
Love her stories xxx
Still crazy as ever though! Love wild children!
We have moved thru a very mild Winter with not even one frost on the car windows
and so far the Spring is stunning
These new displays are off to be for sale in 'The Fairy Shop" in Auckland.
Market scenes, Houses and Gardens
But the BIG thing that is coming out of all of this is my very new creative mission
After years of writing stories for children, they are finally being made into books
The first one is at the printers right now and should be released in early December just in time for Christmas and Southern Hemisphere Summer.
It was an intense labour of love and took a huge amount of persistence and drive to get to this point. Im putting together a tutorial post for how I got from an idea in my head, into a printed book.
The fears involved, how to deal with the days your crying in the shower or scrubbing your floor or anything else but the task at hand.
Im self publishing to get this show on the road, and doing all my own marketing, that in itself is a huge learning curve
Somehow this dream has come to fruition while so many others have fallen off and never been completed. Some projects are hard and scarey, even terrifying and make you feel like running incase of failure. But deep inside you there is a pure happiness and excitement that you get glimpses of in the process. This lets you know things are right, although the fear is there that you would love to listen to, the pure light underneath keeps that warm deep fire burning.
Are you following your deepest desire projects or just playing safe with pretty crafts??
Releasing deep set creative fears is where we all need to be.
Create Big. Create the stuff that just seems too big to even imagine being real.
The mountain is only biggest from the bottom, the more you climb, the further you go, the smaller it becomes, and the reality is easier to conquer.
We need to start. And keep the energy moving.
Today we are getting our caravan ready for Summer Christmas Camping.
The setting for my new book is where we camp so its making this camp extra special.
We got work to do baby
What fearful too big project are you going to tackle?
every month I convince myself that by next month it will be gone
I will be free to get back to life with no fear
this cant possibly go on any longer
I dont even know what I fear now... its just fear itself
..and yet it does go on
I have ANXIETY and its ruining my effing life :(
On a Good Day Life is Perfect
When I flipped out 3 years ago I thought I was going to die, I had never experienced anything like this before, no one could help me, no one could make it stop, no one could even tell me what was happening. We have come a long way in that 3 years, there are so many websites now with constant updates to help you with your Transformation / Transitioning process, if only I had something like this before "maybe I wouldnt be here....in fear"
For people who have never had anxiety, this post will mean nothing... for the people who have or do have anxiety, this post will mean everything.
Its so amazingly misunderstood, and I have spent 3 years alienating people from my life because they just dont get it or just cant be bothered with my FEAR anymore.
So why now???
The last straw is that my daughter turns five in a few weeks, we are doing school visits, which terrify me.....why???..... because everything does! I leave the house, everything is going fine, we get to the intersection and I freeze, "I cant do this, I cant do this to HER" I think and so I just say, hey mummys just gonna take a pill, I rummage around in the ashtray for my pills and take one with her drinkbottle to wash it down. "Mum you cant drink all my water?? mum whats wrong??" she dosent know I take anxiety meds but Im sure she can see a pattern by now, we set on our way but school is only 2 mins away, not nearly enough time for the pill to kick in, without realising Im obviously getting slower and slower " Mum if we want to get there.... you are going to have to go faster" in the sweetest 'here we are again' voice. She knows this too well, failed trips all over the place cause mummas having a freak out, turn arounds moments before the shops cause I just cant do it,
the 'lets see if Nana wants to come too' trick, because we care so much about her need for milk and bread!
So what can I do???
school trips, outings, shows with crowds of people, sports days
the thought of these terrifies me and Im beyond sad at the same time, why do I have to be so different, this is not her problem yet Im taking her down with me, I cant stand it.
So last night a decision was made and today I emailed my doctor "Im ready"
I have never been on medication before, I am so scared, terrified that I have come to the point where I failed. I was so sure I could do this, so sure I could heal or move past anxiety on my own without the help of daily meds.
Im embarassed, I failed, I feel weak and pathetic, and maybe the point is that I fought so hard to not be a person who needed mental health drugs.
Im not crazy! Im in NO way depressed,
Im just scared of everything and I want it to stop
It breaks my heart today that this is how its ended.
I have worked toward NOT being at this exact place for 3 years.... and here I am.
does this mean I should have given in earlier??
I would have had more fun, done a lot more stuff, gathered friends instead of moving away from them, lived outside of this tiny comfort zone, met my best friends children who live 4 hours away, gone to weddings, birthdays, engagements.
We have missed out on sooo much because of ME
I want to just drive anywhere like I used to , I traveled NZ in my van, I traveled Italy ALONE, I have let go of a huge amount of crap that bogged me down and bad habits which I am so happy about, but what I have been left with just isnt working for me anymore, and it dosent matter who I see, what spiritual or mental self help programme I follow, something just wont give, but once again i convince myself......"this cant go on forever...next month I will have fixed this"
and that month comes and goes
I have leant soo much about anxiety I can pick it in people in an instant, there is a lot of it on TV, reality TV, no one knows whats going on, but I can see, I can pick it all, I have done it all.
Dose this mean I can help people who are freaking out?? sure, I know exactly what to do and say and what they need, 3 years... I have a diploma in Anxiety, I studied it everyday.
I would never wish this phase to have not happened to me, Transitioning is an amazing process but its effing hard and scarey and lonely and uncomfortable at times.
The chance to let go should always be taken
The reality is that Im am HERE now and I have to deal with this situation the best I can.
I have done enough natural work to say I have tried
I know I will be bawling on that first day (and maybe the first week) as I take these pills
I need a new perspective
I NEED YOUR HELP
I know Im not the only one who is here, I want to hear from you if you have had this journey, I want to understand, that Im not failing, just that I have now chosen a different tool for my journey
Is there still a spiritual journey with AntiDepressants????
How much will I change?
can you feel them working?
will I feel fake good like caffine makes you feel fake alert?
and has anyone ever come off these things or will this be me for the rest of my life?
This time I have to do it, I have to change my perception of what is Good and what is Bad
its just another tool right??
As much as I cant stand the everyday fear, right now it looks more comfy than the fear of going into this unknown.
This is a step by step process for how I created this patchwork greenhouse
to help inspire you to create your own from whatever treasures you are surrounded with
This spring I took on a rather large mission of building an old window greenhouse like I had been seeing on Pinterest. We live on a hill with huge exposure so when it is windy it is crazy windy and unhardy plants have alot of problems growing. Also we had nowhere to grow our seedings that was serious enough to keep them alive till they needed transplanting.
I had a garden off the side of my art room, seems so weird to look at this photo now, it feels like the greenhouse has been there forever
I built my greenhouse on the side so that it was one whole wall I didnt have to worry about making, also when it was a westerly the rain would drive up under this roof edge or leak at the top of the window, so that was going to have to be fixed anyway!
It took alot of weeding and transplanting to shift the treasures from this patch
I had found a lot of windows at the dump, the putty was so dry it chipped off without too much help, so I leant the art of puttying and I loved it, so peaceful and allowed me to be a perfectionist, love those opourtunities.
these windows we brought years ago at a garage sale but in a storm they blew over and SMASHED!!
what I found on trademe was a pack of 22 louvre windows which fit across one window in 3s, perfect! so these windows were fixed with 3 panel in each hole, because its a greenhouse this isnt a problem, the gaps that is
you can see the louvres here
I also collect bombay saphire bottles. the man at the dump keeps them for me, I have hundreds but have yet to even try it as a drink!
we spent the weekend measuring a putting in corner posts......snore....... cant stand this part but ohh so important!, at the bottom of the sides I used two planks to make some boxing, found some old bricks to put inside so there was 2cm gap on each side between boxing and brick
make sure your bombay bottle fits in perfectly so it will be flush with the internal boxing size
pour in concrete so it fills in the gap beside the bricks and then fills up the tough enough to start, start at one end and push the bombay bottles in so they sink till the whole next is under cement. Just the square sides should be showing so they are like bricks themselves and keep pushing them together side to side to close the gaps.
you may need to keep pulling the concrete to the completed side and adding more in the trough ready for more bottles, eventually it will look like this
you can then put in your framing to hold the window bottom and put in those window frames, I have one aluminium set down this end that will be able to open
little helpers on hand
on this side I put in the salvaged windows, the frame was a bit off as you can see, it needed help and seeing I was home alone and couldnt jam in a window and tilt a frame I got my MacGyver on
and backed the truck up to it, inch by inch
and it worked perfect!
arent brains amazing!
the windows are held in place bya piece of wood used as a frame hammered on both side top and bottom. SO the window is just sitting there but held in place by wood butted up against it, very strong
taking the wooden moulding off is so fun, voila! if you have issues with the cement not covering the bricks, thats ok, the garden will come up over that, otherwise plant something there
next is the sculpture corner, I never wanted a rectangular greenhouse, because of the wind I need the opening to be overlapped, so I made a sculpture on the end, chook mesh and wire into shape
mix up 'Dhaji' with cement, Dhajit is a sculpture mix on newspaper, clay, sand and its awesome!
the buckets of Dhajit were 8 years old and perfect, just a little green on top
so this is after the first coat, too much sculpture on and it will be too heavy and fall off, and that is a shocking sight, watching your work peel itself to death
while that dries for a day, put in your other windows
and voila, we are getting there
starting to look like something, very grubby though!
second and final coat on the sculpture pot, I could do this forever, such a lovely process
next I attack the floor, a whole day of weeding and transplanting takes place, the edges will all be gardens so I get to leave the edge plants
the sides have been made with 12mm tanilised plywood cut to 10cm high strips, they are held in place with kebabsticks for now
make sure the dirt is leaning away from the new wooden sides for now, kebab sticks are kinda weak, stamp down the dirt with a plank of wood so its really flat
time to lay down some weed mat. I use a fabric mat which is felted rather than woven
cover in weed mat and then bring in buckets of sand, 12 for me to be exact
helps if you live on a sandhill like me!
so wwedmat was down and then you threw on the buckets of sand
next I salvaged some concrete paving from my family. The thing with this paving is that it was poured on site so the base is no where near flat, I am just going to do the best I can
start at the door going in and smooth sand and lay pavers adding sand to wobbly bits, taking sand away from bulgy bits
and the you are done, give it a sweep off so all the sand is in the cracks
I had a lot of smashed up tiles from an earlier job, and heaps of glass fairy poos
use a stick to flatten down any really puffy bits of sand
I have left some pretty huge gaps in my floor with the intention of filling them in with colour, it makes the moziac crazy flooring job much easier if you have this in mind, can you see those kebab sticks?
now I cut a pillow case in half to use as a drop sheets of sorts, news paper would become soggy and heavy in secons so fabric is your best bet, line the side of gaps with fabric and pour in cement/sand mix with a really runny texture
and then lay in your tile by placing on top of cement and wiggling till it sinks to the same level
and this is the finished floor
I love it, colour colour colour
the centre has been left grout free about 30cm wide so any hose water has a chance to escape, also I plan to line the centre with pot plants and I dont want their run off pooling
so its off to the forest for moss
and we squish moss into the gaps, if it grows yay, if it dosent thats ok too
note the windows!! I refuse to wash them till the roof is on, kinda like a roof shout, it keeps me working, Im soooo desperate to clean them!
take the kebab sticks out that were holding the side up, the cement and pavers will do that now and I also used a kebab stick to work holes in the soft grout in the really lower pooling spots
some things I cant be arsed with so we had a builder friend come and do the roof with us, I just wanted to do more fun stuff, he has an amazing mind and you kinda need that when you try to work in with my stuff
so I spend the day inside moving the dirt in the garden edge beds into place and adding sheep poo
and sweeping up around that moss
we are working to a time limit, its gonna piss down at 2pm, work men work!
me and Miss Indi take to the louvre cupboard doors
painting them PURPLE!!!
the laser light goes in, we only brought 3 sheets, its really expensive and you dont want the whole roof clear, there needs to be some spaces for the colder plants or for seedlings to hide in the heat of summer
micky mouse framing, look at the poor angled corner I created! sheesh haha
old iron roofing, its feeling gooood in here
and then the roof is done
see the looming clouds, 1.45 and we are done and it suddenly rips down! timing, not like the weather people to be so right!
so I have me a roof, whats next
I get some plywood offcuts from kellys work and use them to clad the outside, looks good
now dont know if you saw but the triangle shapes above the side windows are empty and this is so I can try my hand at Leadlighting. 2 days of you tube tutorials, I buy some gera and glass and just dive in. Glass is an arsehole is the lesson I learnt day one, you must learn the way of the glass, it dosent care much for your ideas, work with it and not like your the boss! and all will be ok
patchwork glass work
I really enjoyed the copper foiling, another relaxing job
and we are ready to solder
so I sit outside all afternoon in the wind so the fumes fly away
I got some beautiful textured glasses
and used broken windows from yet more windy storms
and drum roll please
there is my first attempt
willy wonky?? its perfect because its the start of a journey which I loved
and looks beautiful inside
especially at sunrise
where there were huge gaps, I invented my own technique called laddering, lets the spiders enter easily haha
I use the same process for holding the window in place, ply wood strips screwed on either side of top and bottom to keep it jammed in place
love leadlighted fairy poo
and now for this end
I make a huge white window from old broken windows into a sunray pattern and use a leadlight disc I have had for years as the centre
next I make the benches, I use fence battens as framing, digging them into the ground and attaching them to the garden edging and the window frame
more 12mm plywood attached as the bench top
planting time, peas
and so many summer seedlings
the benches are made so that there is room for plants underneath
there are those louvers to hold seeds and just to look good, this is my seed bench
the last window in the art room was broken (how original) by kicking cows and had always been boarded up
a job I had just finished working on had done up their bathroom in this white board wall stuff so I got to scab some offcuts, and voila the window is now replaced and is whiteboard for recording planting info
info for all these seeds
I love this place
so there are fairy lights so I can water at night if I have had a busy day and didnt get home in time
or just wanna hang in the plant prettyness
the lavender is putting on a great show, it got to stay
I found a piece of driftwood on a special mission I took and I use it to tie strings to grow peas
did I mention its magic at night time
I love to collect old ceramics for my greenhouse, keeps it cute
ready for growth
glass drip feeders
I give the greenhouse its final stain, its a very dark green which kinda comes out black, afer a panic and ohh shit what have I done, I love it, and I painted the sculptured pot in purple and green too
here is my original day dream sketch
gotta have some sea horses
did I mention it was super nice at night?? ohh yeah sorry
so I have plenty of helpers, this one is Twinkle
close up of that end window
plenty of light
we now have eggplants
I made some shelves down the end from a pallet
more tomato and basil
so many eggplant
I also use the room to dry seeds and bird wings. I use these in my art, every week someone is giving me a dead bird, this one is a kingfisher
and boom its all action now
another helper Louie
well looking at this it seemed like a lot of work, feels like more work to upload all this!! but each stage was so fun and complete that it was an amazing experience and to create it all from junk, wow that was cool.
costs were for clearlight roofing, wood framing and posts and cement, otherwise the rest was salvaged.
There are so many ways to do one of these you can make anything work for you.
Hope you enjoyed my instructions, and please ask any questions you have