Its been 3 years
I have worked on myself every day
every month I convince myself that by next month it will be gone
I will be free to get back to life with no fear
this cant possibly go on any longer
I dont even know what I fear now... its just fear itself
..and yet it does go on
I have ANXIETY and its ruining my effing life :(
On a Good Day Life is Perfect
When I flipped out 3 years ago I thought I was going to die, I had never experienced anything like this before, no one could help me, no one could make it stop, no one could even tell me what was happening. We have come a long way in that 3 years, there are so many websites now with constant updates to help you with your Transformation / Transitioning process, if only I had something like this before "maybe I wouldnt be here....in fear"
For people who have never had anxiety, this post will mean nothing... for the people who have or do have anxiety, this post will mean everything.
Its so amazingly misunderstood, and I have spent 3 years alienating people from my life because they just dont get it or just cant be bothered with my FEAR anymore.
So why now???
The last straw is that my daughter turns five in a few weeks, we are doing school visits, which terrify me.....why???..... because everything does! I leave the house, everything is going fine, we get to the intersection and I freeze, "I cant do this, I cant do this to HER" I think and so I just say, hey mummys just gonna take a pill, I rummage around in the ashtray for my pills and take one with her drinkbottle to wash it down. "Mum you cant drink all my water?? mum whats wrong??" she dosent know I take anxiety meds but Im sure she can see a pattern by now, we set on our way but school is only 2 mins away, not nearly enough time for the pill to kick in, without realising Im obviously getting slower and slower " Mum if we want to get there.... you are going to have to go faster" in the sweetest 'here we are again' voice. She knows this too well, failed trips all over the place cause mummas having a freak out, turn arounds moments before the shops cause I just cant do it,
the 'lets see if Nana wants to come too' trick, because we care so much about her need for milk and bread!
So what can I do???
school trips, outings, shows with crowds of people, sports days
the thought of these terrifies me and Im beyond sad at the same time, why do I have to be so different, this is not her problem yet Im taking her down with me, I cant stand it.
So last night a decision was made and today I emailed my doctor "Im ready"
I have never been on medication before, I am so scared, terrified that I have come to the point where I failed. I was so sure I could do this, so sure I could heal or move past anxiety on my own without the help of daily meds.
Im embarassed, I failed, I feel weak and pathetic, and maybe the point is that I fought so hard to not be a person who needed mental health drugs.
Im not crazy! Im in NO way depressed,
Im just scared of everything and I want it to stop
It breaks my heart today that this is how its ended.
I have worked toward NOT being at this exact place for 3 years.... and here I am.
does this mean I should have given in earlier??
I would have had more fun, done a lot more stuff, gathered friends instead of moving away from them, lived outside of this tiny comfort zone, met my best friends children who live 4 hours away, gone to weddings, birthdays, engagements.
We have missed out on sooo much because of ME
I want to just drive anywhere like I used to , I traveled NZ in my van, I traveled Italy ALONE, I have let go of a huge amount of crap that bogged me down and bad habits which I am so happy about, but what I have been left with just isnt working for me anymore, and it dosent matter who I see, what spiritual or mental self help programme I follow, something just wont give, but once again i convince myself......"this cant go on forever...next month I will have fixed this"
and that month comes and goes
I have leant soo much about anxiety I can pick it in people in an instant, there is a lot of it on TV, reality TV, no one knows whats going on, but I can see, I can pick it all, I have done it all.
Dose this mean I can help people who are freaking out?? sure, I know exactly what to do and say and what they need, 3 years... I have a diploma in Anxiety, I studied it everyday.
I would never wish this phase to have not happened to me, Transitioning is an amazing process but its effing hard and scarey and lonely and uncomfortable at times.
The chance to let go should always be taken
The reality is that Im am HERE now and I have to deal with this situation the best I can.
I have done enough natural work to say I have tried
I know I will be bawling on that first day (and maybe the first week) as I take these pills
I need a new perspective
I NEED YOUR HELP
I know Im not the only one who is here, I want to hear from you if you have had this journey, I want to understand, that Im not failing, just that I have now chosen a different tool for my journey
Is there still a spiritual journey with AntiDepressants????
How much will I change?
can you feel them working?
will I feel fake good like caffine makes you feel fake alert?
and has anyone ever come off these things or will this be me for the rest of my life?
This time I have to do it, I have to change my perception of what is Good and what is Bad
its just another tool right??
As much as I cant stand the everyday fear, right now it looks more comfy than the fear of going into this unknown.
I am scared
I want to feel positive about this decision
I want to feel OK
I want to feel confident
I want to feel free
I want to be spontaneous again
I want to enjoy life
but most of all
I dont want to be babysat anymore
because Kelly and India need their life back too
Im reaching out, please reach back