Friday, March 22, 2013

Surrendering to Anti Depressants

Its been 3 years
I have worked on myself every day
every month I convince myself that by next month it will be gone
I will be free to get back to life with no fear
this cant possibly go on any longer
I dont even know what I fear now... its just fear itself
..and yet it does go on
I have ANXIETY and its ruining my effing life :(

On a Good Day Life is Perfect

When I flipped out 3 years ago I thought I was going to die, I had never experienced anything like this before, no one could help me, no one could make it stop, no one could even tell me what was happening.  We have come a long way in that 3 years, there are so many websites now with constant updates to help you with your Transformation / Transitioning process, if only I had something like this before "maybe I wouldnt be fear"

For people who have never had anxiety, this post will mean nothing... for the people who have or do have anxiety, this post will mean everything.
Its so amazingly misunderstood, and I have spent 3 years alienating people from my life because they just dont get it or just cant be bothered with my FEAR anymore.
So why now???
The last straw is that my daughter turns five in a few weeks, we are doing school visits, which terrify me.....why???..... because everything does!  I leave the house, everything is going fine, we get to the intersection and I freeze, "I cant do this, I cant do this to HER" I think and so I just say, hey mummys just gonna take a pill, I rummage around in the ashtray for my pills and take one with her drinkbottle to wash it down.  "Mum you cant drink all my water?? mum whats wrong??"  she dosent know I take anxiety meds but Im sure she can see a pattern by now, we set on our way but school is only 2 mins away, not nearly enough time for the pill to kick in, without realising Im obviously getting slower and slower " Mum if we want to get there.... you are going to have to go faster" in the sweetest 'here we are again' voice.  She knows this too well, failed trips all over the place cause mummas having a freak out, turn arounds moments before the shops cause I just cant do it, 
the 'lets see if Nana wants to come too' trick, because we care so much about her need for milk and bread!
So what can I do???
school trips, outings, shows with crowds of people, sports days
the thought of these terrifies me and Im beyond sad at the same time, why do I have to be so different, this is not her problem yet Im taking her down with me, I cant stand it.

So last night a decision was made and today I emailed my doctor  "Im ready"
I have never been on medication before, I am so scared, terrified that I have come to the point where I failed.  I was so sure I could do this, so sure I could heal or move past anxiety on my own without the help of daily meds.
Im embarassed, I failed, I feel weak and pathetic, and maybe the point is that I fought so hard to not be a person who needed mental health drugs.
Im not crazy! Im in NO way depressed, 
Im just scared of everything and I want it to stop
It breaks my heart today that this is how its ended. 

 I have worked toward NOT being at this exact place for 3 years.... and here I am.
does this mean I should have given in earlier??

I would have had more fun, done a lot more stuff, gathered friends instead of moving away from them, lived outside of this tiny comfort zone, met my best friends children who live 4 hours away, gone to weddings, birthdays, engagements.
We have missed out on sooo much because of ME

I want to just drive anywhere like I used to , I traveled NZ in my van, I traveled Italy ALONE, I have let go of a huge amount of crap that bogged me down and bad habits which I am so happy about, but what I have been left with just isnt working for me anymore, and it dosent matter who I see, what spiritual or mental self help programme I follow, something just wont give, but once again i convince myself......"this cant go on month I will have fixed this"
and that month comes and goes

The Upside
I have leant soo much about anxiety I can pick it in people in an instant, there is a lot of it on TV, reality TV, no one knows whats going on, but I can see, I can pick it all, I have done it all.
Dose this mean I can help people who are freaking out?? sure, I know exactly what to do and say and what they need, 3 years... I have a diploma in Anxiety, I studied it everyday.

I would never wish this phase to have not happened to me, Transitioning is an amazing process but its effing hard and scarey and lonely and uncomfortable at times.  

The chance to let go should always be taken

The reality is that Im am HERE now and I have to deal with this situation the best I can.
I have done enough natural work to say I have tried

I know I will be bawling on that first day (and maybe the first week) as I take these pills
I need a new perspective


I know Im not the only one who is here, I want to hear from you if you have had this journey, I want to understand, that Im not failing, just that I have now chosen a different tool for my journey

Is there still a spiritual journey with AntiDepressants????
How much will I change?
can you feel them working?
will I feel fake good like caffine makes you feel fake alert?
and has anyone ever come off these things or will this be me for the rest of my life?

This time I have to do it, I have to change my perception of what is Good and what is Bad
its just another tool right??

As much as I cant stand the everyday fear, right now it looks more comfy than the fear of going into this unknown.
I am scared
I want to feel positive about this decision
I want to feel OK
I want to feel confident
I want to feel free
I want to be spontaneous again
I want to enjoy life

but most of all
I dont want to be babysat anymore

because Kelly and India need their life back too

Im reaching out, please reach back


  1. Oh Lovely I so hear you.. Anxiety moved into my world years ago and i don't know the way out either.. I am isolated by choice and I have most definitely infected my kids with it. My son has a massive anxiety disorder and my 13 yr old daughter is finally finding her way in the world of high school with zero skills, because I never taught her any. I am un medicated but i am booked into talk to someone next month about it. I wasnt going to comment until after my appointment, but im reaching out.. your not alone.. your waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay not alone.. I think the more attuned we become to 'her' the earth the planet the more we hurt, the more we are open the more we feel. Well thats my take on it anyway. Im going to be following you along in this journey and have faith that we will come out of it. When it all feels too much, just lean back and you will feel our hands on your shoulders, reminding you that you are not alone.. I will keep you posted as to my journey too :) xxxx

  2. No you're not alone and reading this is a comfort to me also. I have been known in the past to have had a small episode of this....but now its been set of again after I made the move 6hrs north to another town with only my kids a year ago...though I still have my husband, he spent 3 weeks of every month working back in our old home town to keep the money flowing. But after a year its all taken its toll and now the simplest things are setting me into a state of panic and anxiety....I have put of going to see the doctor because I'm hoping I can work on myself to get back to the way I was.
    I will be interested to see how using the medication helps you through this as I can see how much it can affect your life...goodluck and take care xxx

  3. hey,
    4 years ago I was diagnosed with anxiety-depression and started seeing a psychologist(head Dr). i was also put on meds to take the edge off, while continuing to see the head Dr and work through things. After i saw changes within myself from the work i had done (about 1.5years), I decided I had enough of being medicated and talked to my head Dr about how to come off the medication. I came off the medication over a 4 week period and was ok. Later when anxiety/ depression struck again I found cognitive behaviour therapy and a head Dr (psyc) that practised it. I feel much better (anxiety wise) which is behind my urgency to try CBT again for depression.

    I haven’t had an anxiety attack in 4 years (though I have had about 3x possible attacks) nad have never returned to meds. I was taught through CBT how to recognise the waves before they turn into the tidal wave or worse before they become a whirlpool.

    The CBT head Dr gave me 2x techniques which helped me when I was starting or in the middle of an anxiety attack and I’ve shared them with friends who found both techniques worked for them too. They are also helpful because you always have your hands with you, rather than needing to carry props/ rescue remedy/ tablets in your bag.

    Technique 1.
    Put your left hand on your decollatage and right on your tum. You will notice when you breathe normally the lower hand moves as well as the top. This means you are breathing from both the upper portion and lower portion of your lungs. When you are in an anxious state, only the top/ left hand moves, which means you are breathing from the top half of your lungs only. This is where all the carbon dioxide is kept, which means there isn’t much oxygen left behind, which is why you feel like you can’t breathe and think you’re going to die. Focus so that when you breathe you make the bottom/ right hand move. This means you will be breathing from the oxygen rich part of your lungs and will find you can breathe again making the anxiety attack dissipate and the flight reaction.

    Technique 2.
    Cup your hands together like you are trying to gather water. Put the ‘cup’ over your nose and mouth and continue breathing. It has the same effect as when you breathe into a paper bag. If you can, try to breathe in your nose and out your mouth. It slows your breathing and helps calm your mind by focusing on breathing.

    Its not a quick, easy thing to recover from and I know its tough, some days its very difficult to climb out of that deep black pit towards the light, and some days you don’t have to but I can promise its worth the effort. I used my family of choice (2x friends that support me endlessly) and contacted them when I felt the begins start- that familiar ‘home sick feeling’ in my tummy or if an attack occurred out of the blue. They would talk to me and get me to describe my surroundings, my day, anything and everything to change my point of focus. I felt very supported knowing I had two people to call if I had a problem. I had my head Dr and had I thought about it, my creativity helped me lots; to relax to calm my mind, to have some time to myself.

    I see taking medication as a way to help get you through the start of climb. You don’t have to take it forever but it can help with your footing.

  4. Hi Sheree,
    You can have a spiritual journey and be on anti-depressants. You are doing what is best for you and your family at this time in your life. You are helping yourself to live the life you want.
    This world we are living in is what I call crazy, and I think it breeds anxiety and depression, allergies and pain.
    My youngest daughter is 13 and has had me/chronic fatigue for over a year and a half. Recently I took her to a lightning process practitioner, who taught her (and me) the lightning process (basically techniques to retrain our neural pathways to think differently or for our body to respond differently). This was a week ago and I can honestly say it has helped her sooooooooooo much. It is also very helpful for anxiety, depression, food allergies, migraines, chronic pain and symptoms from MS.
    I wish you luck and send you love on your journey Sheree. You are a wonderful soul and I am sure all will be well.X

  5. p.s It is folk like you that make the world a better and beautiful place.... just look at your art and your tales and your creations.

  6. I have had a major depression and had to take anti-depressants for two years, including being in a clinic for three month. They were necessary and helped me to get my life back. And since three years my SAD has become so severe that lighttherapy alone isn't working anymore. I have to start each September taking anti-depressants until Mid-April. They don't put me into a artifical high or block my emotions. On the contrary - I am myself again, I continue to be myself: taking interest in things, enjoy the autumn and winter, talk to people - write this comment, reaching out to you, caring about you - nothing of this would be possible without my medication. I have tried years to deal with it with light, vitamins and "get yourself together" talk. I learned quite a lot about myself and my SAD. The simple truth is: my body ceases to produce Serotonin and starts ramping up on cortisol leaving me tired, anxious, stressed, unable to think clearly, forgetful, and without an ounce of creativity. And I gained 10 pounds during every winter. Not a good combination. so I decided I had learned everything I needed and opted for the anti-depressants. Now I am myself 12 month in the year. Not everything is perfect but I am me and I have my life back!
    I wish you and your family all the best

  7. Dear Sheree, these ladies seem to have very wise words for you, and are much more knowledgeable than I am about medication, so all I can add from my own experience of depression, is that you are doing the best you can, your human best, and that is all anyone can do. You have tried so hard, struggled and fought, not only for the best for yourself, but for Indi and Kell as well, and you HAVE NOT FAILED. Perhaps medication will allow you time to rest, recuperate without having to fight each day. Perhaps it's time to give yourself a break, a chance to refill the well. You can only ever do what you believe is the best at the time. Be proud of yourself for how far you have come. You are, as always, an inspiration.

  8. Sheree
    I want you to know that as the wonderful people before me have written, you are not alone. I have suffered from depression and anxiety attacks for many years. Taking medication helps, but let me tell you this. Not every medication fits everyone, sometimes it takes a while to 1) know if it works effectively for you, and 2) what the side effects of each med does to you. I have had great meds that made me feel human, but took all my creativeness away. Don't stop trying different meds if the first one dosnt work for you. There may be times that even when you find a med that works you may need to change it later, this is due to changes in you (hormones) and changes in the environment around you. Just never give up the fight, it is worth it to be able to go places and do things that you once loved.

  9. I am sorry I don't have more to add....but, in my opinion, I feel that this decision is one of strength and bravery, Lovely Sheree....not of weakness and failure. You love these 2 beautiful Souls so much, you are willing to face fear and self doubt for even just a chance at being less dependent on them....
    It is a position of Love, I am try every option afforded you to enhance their lives by being more content in yours. They love you and want what you want.
    You are amazing and brilliant. You have not failed by taking notice that what you've been doing is no longer have not admitted defeat by marching into battle.
    I believe you will find your answers by trying this path....for better or worse, at least you will know it's destination and be able to plan your course from there.

    Sending hugs your way,

  10. Hello Dear Sheree,
    I don't really have any thing to add to what has been said before me. Those are some very wise women. However I want to say that I think you are very brave and wise to do this. Reach for the tool that will help you. There is a place for modern medicine. Like you I reach for the natural way first but if my arm is broken, arnica is going to be enough. Go to the hospital and have them set it. This is a big deal, get the help you need and be proud of yourself for taking care of you, Kelly and India! I think that is one of the lessons in life is to blend the best of all that is offered. There is a place for everything.
    Good Job!

  11. Treasure, I hear you and u are not alone, anxiety is something i am still learning to live with, as are so many. You are a beautiful, brave soul and not a failure, but a fighter who doesn,t give up, you are just trying to find the right pieces of the puzzle to make it better. X x


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