Surrendering to Anti Depressants

Its been 3 years

I have worked on myself every day

every month I convince myself that by next month it will be gone

I will be free to get back to life with no fear

this cant possibly go on any longer

I dont even know what I fear now... its just fear itself

..and yet it does go on

I have ANXIETY and its ruining my effing life :(

On a Good Day Life is Perfect

When I flipped out 3 years ago I thought I was going to die, I had never experienced anything like this before, no one could help me, no one could make it stop, no one could even tell me what was happening.  We have come a long way in that 3 years, there are so many websites now with constant updates to help you with your Transformation / Transitioning process, if only I had something like this before "maybe I wouldnt be here....in fear"

For people who have never had anxiety, this post will mean nothing... for the people who have or do have anxiety, this post will mean everything.

Its so amazingly misunderstood, and I have spent 3 years alienating people from my life because they just dont get it or just cant be bothered with my FEAR anymore.

So why now???

The last straw is that my daughter turns five in a few weeks, we are doing school visits, which terrify me.....why???..... because everything does!  I leave the house, everything is going fine, we get to the intersection and I freeze, "I cant do this, I cant do this to HER" I think and so I just say, hey mummys just gonna take a pill, I rummage around in the ashtray for my pills and take one with her drinkbottle to wash it down.  "Mum you cant drink all my water?? mum whats wrong??"  she dosent know I take anxiety meds but Im sure she can see a pattern by now, we set on our way but school is only 2 mins away, not nearly enough time for the pill to kick in, without realising Im obviously getting slower and slower " Mum if we want to get there.... you are going to have to go faster" in the sweetest 'here we are again' voice.  She knows this too well, failed trips all over the place cause mummas having a freak out, turn arounds moments before the shops cause I just cant do it, 

the 'lets see if Nana wants to come too' trick, because we care so much about her need for milk and bread!

So what can I do???

school trips, outings, shows with crowds of people, sports days

the thought of these terrifies me and Im beyond sad at the same time, why do I have to be so different, this is not her problem yet Im taking her down with me, I cant stand it.

So last night a decision was made and today I emailed my doctor  "Im ready"

I have never been on medication before, I am so scared, terrified that I have come to the point where I failed.  I was so sure I could do this, so sure I could heal or move past anxiety on my own without the help of daily meds.

Im embarassed, I failed, I feel weak and pathetic, and maybe the point is that I fought so hard to not be a person who needed mental health drugs.

Im not crazy! Im in NO way depressed, 

Im just scared of everything and I want it to stop

It breaks my heart today that this is how its ended. 

 I have worked toward NOT being at this exact place for 3 years.... and here I am.

does this mean I should have given in earlier??

I would have had more fun, done a lot more stuff, gathered friends instead of moving away from them, lived outside of this tiny comfort zone, met my best friends children who live 4 hours away, gone to weddings, birthdays, engagements.

We have missed out on sooo much because of ME

I want to just drive anywhere like I used to , I traveled NZ in my van, I traveled Italy ALONE, I have let go of a huge amount of crap that bogged me down and bad habits which I am so happy about, but what I have been left with just isnt working for me anymore, and it dosent matter who I see, what spiritual or mental self help programme I follow, something just wont give, but once again i convince myself......"this cant go on forever...next month I will have fixed this"

and that month comes and goes

The Upside

I have leant soo much about anxiety I can pick it in people in an instant, there is a lot of it on TV, reality TV, no one knows whats going on, but I can see, I can pick it all, I have done it all.

Dose this mean I can help people who are freaking out?? sure, I know exactly what to do and say and what they need, 3 years... I have a diploma in Anxiety, I studied it everyday.

I would never wish this phase to have not happened to me, Transitioning is an amazing process but its effing hard and scarey and lonely and uncomfortable at times.  

The chance to let go should always be taken

The reality is that Im am HERE now and I have to deal with this situation the best I can.

I have done enough natural work to say I have tried

I know I will be bawling on that first day (and maybe the first week) as I take these pills

I need a new perspective

I NEED YOUR HELP

I know Im not the only one who is here, I want to hear from you if you have had this journey, I want to understand, that Im not failing, just that I have now chosen a different tool for my journey

Is there still a spiritual journey with AntiDepressants????

How much will I change?

can you feel them working?

will I feel fake good like caffine makes you feel fake alert?

and has anyone ever come off these things or will this be me for the rest of my life?

This time I have to do it, I have to change my perception of what is Good and what is Bad

its just another tool right??

As much as I cant stand the everyday fear, right now it looks more comfy than the fear of going into this unknown.

I am scared

I want to feel positive about this decision

I want to feel OK

I want to feel confident

I want to feel free

I want to be spontaneous again

I want to enjoy life

but most of all

I dont want to be babysat anymore

because Kelly and India need their life back too

xxx

Im reaching out, please reach back

xxx

Sheree

Building a Patchwork Greenhouse

This is a step by step process for how I created this patchwork greenhouse
to help inspire you to create your own from whatever treasures you are surrounded with

 
This spring I took on a rather large mission of building an old window greenhouse like I had been seeing on Pinterest.  We live on a hill with huge exposure so when it is windy it is crazy windy and unhardy plants have alot of problems growing.  Also we had nowhere to grow our seedings that was serious enough to keep them alive till they needed transplanting.

I had a garden off the side of my art room, seems so weird to look at this photo now, it feels like the greenhouse has been there forever

I built my greenhouse on the side so that it was one whole wall I didnt have to worry about making, also when it was a westerly the rain would drive up under this roof edge or leak at the top of the window, so that was going to have to be fixed anyway!

It took alot of weeding and transplanting to shift the treasures from this patch

 

I had found a lot of windows at the dump, the putty was so dry it chipped off without too much help, so I leant the art of puttying and I loved it, so peaceful and allowed me to be a perfectionist, love those opourtunities.

these windows we brought years ago at a garage sale but in a storm they blew over and SMASHED!!

what I found on trademe was a pack of 22 louvre windows which fit across one window in 3s, perfect! so these windows were fixed with 3 panel in each hole, because its a greenhouse this isnt a problem, the gaps that is

you can see the louvres here

I also collect bombay saphire bottles. the man at the dump keeps them for me, I have hundreds but have yet to even try it as a drink!

we spent the weekend measuring a putting in corner posts......snore....... cant stand this part but ohh so important!, at the bottom of the sides I used two planks to make some boxing, found some old bricks to put inside so there was 2cm gap on each side between boxing and brick

make sure your bombay bottle fits in perfectly so it will be flush with the internal boxing size

pour in concrete so it fills in the gap beside the bricks and then fills up the tough enough to start, start at one end and push the bombay bottles in so they sink till the whole next is under cement. Just the square sides should be showing so they are like bricks themselves and keep pushing them together side to side to close the gaps.

you may need to keep pulling the concrete to the completed side and adding more in the trough ready for more bottles, eventually it will look like this

you can then put in your framing to hold the window bottom and put in those window frames, I have one aluminium set down this end that will be able to open

little helpers on hand

on this side I put in the salvaged windows, the frame was a bit off as you can see, it needed help and seeing I was home alone and couldnt jam in a window and tilt a frame I got my MacGyver on

and backed the truck up to it, inch by inch

and it worked perfect!

arent brains amazing!

the windows are held in place bya piece of wood used as a frame hammered on both side top and bottom. SO the window is just sitting there but held in place by wood butted up against it, very strong

taking the wooden moulding off is so fun, voila! if you have issues with the cement not covering the bricks, thats ok, the garden will come up over that, otherwise plant something there

next is the sculpture corner, I never wanted a rectangular greenhouse, because of the wind I need the opening to be overlapped, so I made a sculpture on the end, chook mesh and wire into shape

mix up 'Dhaji' with cement, Dhajit is a sculpture mix on newspaper, clay, sand and its awesome!

the buckets of Dhajit were 8 years old and perfect, just a little green on top

so this is after the first coat, too much sculpture on and it will be too heavy and fall off, and that is a shocking sight, watching your work peel itself to death

while that dries for a day, put in your other windows

and voila, we are getting there

starting to look like something, very grubby though!

second and final coat on the sculpture pot, I could do this forever, such a lovely process

relaxing

next I attack the floor, a whole day of weeding and transplanting takes place, the edges will all be gardens so I get to leave the edge plants

the sides have been made with 12mm tanilised plywood cut to 10cm high strips, they are held in place with kebabsticks for now

make sure the dirt is leaning away from the new wooden sides for now, kebab sticks are kinda weak, stamp down the dirt with a plank of wood so its really flat

time to lay down some weed mat.  I use a fabric mat which is felted rather than woven

cover in weed mat and then bring in buckets of sand, 12 for me to be exact

helps if you live on a sandhill like me!

so wwedmat was down and then you threw on the buckets of sand

next I salvaged some concrete paving from my family.  The thing with this paving is that it was poured on site so the base is no where near flat, I am just going to do the best I can

start at the door going in and smooth sand and lay pavers adding sand to wobbly bits, taking sand away from bulgy bits

and the you are done, give it a sweep off so all the sand is in the cracks

I had a lot of smashed up tiles from an earlier job, and heaps of glass fairy poos

use a stick to flatten down any really puffy bits of sand

I have left some pretty huge gaps in my floor with the intention of filling them in with colour, it makes the moziac crazy flooring job much easier if you have this in mind, can you see those kebab sticks?

now I cut a pillow case in half to use as a drop sheets of sorts, news paper would become soggy and heavy in secons so fabric is your best bet, line the side of gaps with fabric and pour in cement/sand mix with a really runny texture

and then lay in your tile by placing on top of cement and wiggling till it sinks to the same level

and this is the finished floor

I love it, colour colour colour

the centre has been left grout free about 30cm wide so any hose water has a chance to escape, also I plan to line the centre with pot plants and I dont want their run off pooling

so its off to the forest for moss

and we squish moss into the gaps, if it grows yay, if it dosent thats ok too

note the windows!! I refuse to wash them till the roof is on, kinda like a roof shout, it keeps me working, Im soooo desperate to clean them!

take the kebab sticks out that were holding the side up, the cement and pavers will do that now and I also used a kebab stick to work holes in the soft grout in the really lower pooling spots

some things I cant be arsed with so we had a builder friend come and do the roof with us, I just wanted to do more fun stuff, he has an amazing mind and you kinda need that when you try to work in with my stuff

so I spend the day inside moving the dirt in the garden edge beds into place and adding sheep poo

and sweeping up around that moss

we are working to a time limit, its gonna piss down at 2pm, work men work!

me and Miss Indi take to the louvre cupboard doors

painting them PURPLE!!!

the laser light goes in, we only brought 3 sheets, its really expensive and you dont want the whole roof clear, there needs to be some spaces for the colder plants or for seedlings to hide in the heat of summer

micky mouse framing, look at the poor angled corner I created! sheesh haha

old iron roofing, its feeling gooood in here

and then the roof is done

see the looming clouds, 1.45 and we are done and it suddenly rips down! timing, not like the weather people to be so right!

so I have me a roof, whats next

I get some plywood offcuts from kellys work and use them to clad the outside, looks good

now dont know if you saw but the triangle shapes above the side windows are empty and this is so I can try my hand at Leadlighting. 2 days of you tube tutorials, I buy some gera and glass and just dive in. Glass is an arsehole is the lesson I learnt day one, you must learn the way of the glass, it dosent care much for your ideas, work with it and not like your the boss! and all will be ok

patchwork glass work

I really enjoyed the copper foiling, another relaxing job

and we are ready to solder

so I sit outside all afternoon in the wind so the fumes fly away

I got some beautiful textured glasses

and used broken windows from yet more windy storms

and drum roll please

there is my first attempt

willy wonky?? its perfect because its the start of a journey which I loved

and looks beautiful inside

especially at sunrise

where there were huge gaps, I invented my own technique called laddering, lets the spiders enter easily haha

I use the same process for holding the window in place, ply wood strips screwed on either side of top and bottom to keep it jammed in place

love leadlighted fairy poo

and now for this end

I make a huge white window from old broken windows into a sunray pattern and use a leadlight disc I have had for years as the centre

next I make the benches, I use fence battens as framing, digging them into the ground and attaching them to the garden edging and the window frame

more 12mm plywood attached as the bench top

 planting time, peas

and so many summer seedlings

the benches are made so that there is room for plants underneath

there are those louvers to hold seeds and just to look good, this is my seed bench

the last window in the art room was broken (how original) by kicking cows and had always been boarded up

 

a job I had just finished working on had done up their bathroom in this white board wall stuff so I got to scab some offcuts, and voila the window is now replaced and is whiteboard for recording planting info

  

 info for all these seeds

I love this place

so there are fairy lights so I can water at night if I have had a busy day and didnt get home in time

or just wanna hang in the plant prettyness

seeeds

the lavender is putting on a great show, it got to stay

seeds bench

I found a piece of driftwood on a special mission I took and I use it to tie strings to grow peas

did I mention its magic at night time

I love to collect old ceramics for my greenhouse, keeps it cute

ready for growth

glass drip feeders

I give the greenhouse its final stain, its a very dark green which kinda comes out black, afer a panic and ohh shit what have I done, I love it, and I painted the sculptured pot in purple and green too

here is my original day dream sketch

gotta have some sea horses

did I mention it was super nice at night?? ohh yeah sorry

so I have plenty of helpers, this one is Twinkle

growing basil

more seeds

close up of that end window

plenty of light

we now have eggplants

chillies

I made some shelves down the end from a pallet

tomato giant

more tomato and basil

chillies

so many eggplant

I also use the room to dry seeds and bird wings.  I use these in my art, every week someone is giving me a dead bird, this one is a kingfisher

and boom its all action now

another helper Louie

well looking at this it seemed like a lot of work, feels like more work to upload all this!! but each stage was so fun and complete that it was an amazing experience and to create it all from junk, wow that was cool.

costs were for clearlight roofing, wood framing and posts and cement, otherwise the rest was salvaged.

There are so many ways to do one of these you can make anything work for you.

Hope you enjoyed my instructions, and please ask any questions you have

enjoy your own dreams coming true

xxx

Sheree