Resurfacing From The 'Death Haze' : (

Wow it feels like an eternity and a different world since my last post, when I was Happily plodding away making presents for a happy little christmas just around the corner.

But here I am instead resurfacing from the death haze surrounding the departure of my Grandad.

I only realised I was in the death haze when I came out the drive the other day and they had graded (smoothed out the stones) our road, I was so confused......I forgot that the whole world was still functioning fine and it was a week day, everyday felt like a Sunday to me.

India and her Grandad Brian, the fun they would have had

We have spent parts of the last week in a 24 hour family huddle around his bedside at his home, where he wanted to die.  He was able to talk until the last day or so, this meant we got to have last conversations that mean so much to me, talks about being reincarnated as a cow so he could live on the farm forever, I promised him I would try not to eat him! still having a laugh, I let him smell his last flower, a pink vintage tea rose which I have brought home to save forever.  He died on Tuesday while I stood at the end of his bed discussing with family how to drag photos to a new album on my macbook, I looked up, noticed his colour was shockingly different to the last time I was in the room and then he squinted hard and was gone, just like that, all the stories of long deaths with drawn out breathing patterns were not for us, just here and gone in an instant.

I know its very special to see something like this but all I have at the moment is sleepless nights full of nightmares of that moment

an actual moment of death.

Kauri Leaves

I had two days of panic, terror and anxiety thinking about him leaving before he came home to die, I processed those feelings with help from the wonderful sisterhood that is the 'Goddess Circle'. I made peace with my feelings of wanting to keep someone here just so he wasent gone.  I then got on with the job of us all helping him have a happy comfortable few days and move on to the next stage.

My grandfather was a Kiwi Bushman who worked on the farm and make woodworking and polished gum from Kauri trees among 100s of other jobs, so for his funeral we threw native branches as well as flowers onto his coffin, something the men in his family really appreciated, I photographed the whole funeral which for some reason I know is a bit wrong but it felt right so I did it anyway, and Im glad I did.

He is buried next to my Nana, in his spot that he has been admiring for years

 

It was mainly a happy funeral, as it is with old people

no tragedy to mourn

just a life well lived and time to move on

Pohutukawa Flowers

We covered the walls of the hall in enlarged photos of his life and had a slide show constantly playing, there was no loss of memory of who he was and what he has done for our community.  He came from a family of magic makers who created everything they could dream of, brothers and sisters who all had contributed to this place in such a large way farmers, authors, businessmen, builders, legendary watermelon growers, artists and creators

They all leave such a huge presence, all 8 of them

As nice and finalising as a funeral is, the moment I drove away from his house after the funeral was the worst feeling ever, I cried all night, things will now be different forever.

His home with him in it has been the one constant in my life that has never changed

everything else has moved around this, everything..

but his presence remained stable and reliable

the furniture set up

the noises

the smell

the people

everything always could be relied on

I never knew this to be able to change but here it is now

 here is our change

this is our reality

I have lost my centre, I have lost my true north, my earth has shifted, I have lost my balance

I feel lost

I didnt mind who I was because I was your grandaughter, your one girl , it now feels like and empty title

my compass always pointed back to this one place 

the center of my history

back to you

my compass is still spinning trying to find it new space to rest

for now I just have to sit with the happiness that I got to be your grandaughter

and admire this huge space that has been left

bigger than anyone could ever fill

I had to write this because I want to remember these feelings, this state Im in

I cant stand grief, its so suffocating and my body is so sick with tension, no sleep, no eating, I need to turn this thing around.

I have received so many well wishes, prayers and love over the last week that it has been amazing

what I feel I need more now at this stage is your advice on how to remember.

What do you do to remember??

dedicated gardens, rituals, spaces, art, celebrations.....

I would love your ideas and inspiration to help me process into the next stage

I want to make things so special so my daughter can understand healing

She has been thru this whole things hands on too, I have to make sure her grief dosent get left behind in the dust of mine

thanks for listening xxx

CHEERS!

xxx

Sheree

Presents That Kids Can Treasure Forever

I have to confess that im not much of a present giver when it comes to regular yearly bits for people, but what I do do however is come up with things that are to be treasured forever, so they are more rare and very special.  I just cant pop out and buy something for someone.I like to listen when people talk and snoop around houses to see what kind of things they like to be surrounded by, I write my xmas list from the xmas day before, taking notes all year of things that people would like need, listen to complaints, they are the best hints!.

So in this post I am going to show you the start of my xmas present making, only those ones who I know dont read my blog, but first this is a present I have made for a 6 year old girl who is a little nature fairy, she graces us in this post HERE from a few years ago.

I found this book at the library and fell in love with it, it reminded me so much of my old personality I cried.  A fairy who is the town dressmaker who just works her ass off and when it came time for the ball she was so exhausted she slept and didnt even get to make anything for herself...sound like anyone you know???? Yes Im sure this little fairy is like all of us.

so when I read the book I noticed a little something special in it, she collects all sorts of nature treasures to adorn all her gowns and she keeps them all in...

this box

  As soon as I saw it I knew who this book was for and what I had to make, I actually planned to make it last year but being loopy stopped me so this year I had to make it happen.

I adore this box so much. 

For me if I can give a kid a book its wonderful, but if I can give a book and make something from it so its even more real then that is amazing.  I also do this if I buy a recipe book for someone, I pick a recipe and get the ingredients too (only dry) and make a little package, its great for foreign cook books with strange ingredients.

So I brought a second hand wooden box that had been used to carry wine, it had one rope handle and a terrible engraving on top

inside was a bit of a divider which I took out rather violently!

so I coated the engraving in glue and filled the holes up with sand then about 8 layers of tissue paper and a large circle in the middle

It worked really well and gave a nice texture to work with

and then I just got to painting.  The good things with kids gifts like this is that the painting can be kinda rough and they love it the same so I felt pretty free with what I could do.  I tried to replicate the box as much as I could and wrote her name on the top with gold leafing 'Stah Rosa'.

rubbing with black paint and some curly wurly stamping to finish off

I made all the edges dark and black so it looked old and worn and cut that rope handle in half and put holes in the other side so there is now 2 handles.

Inside I painted brown with stain and put a feather and leaf holder on the lid instead of leaving it plain, I was going to have to go to town for the wood for inside but then spied some old shelves I never use because they are sooo impractical in depth.  perfect!! so demolition and then re creation, voila, dividers.  I love it and I know that she will too when she sees it this weekend.

Every day this week has been spent in my art room making xmas presents, most are in the half way stage, waiting on one more resource or ingredient.

Im working by the smell of spring flowers, it is a divine smell...

and watching movies as I work which I so prefer to music

So for one present I have blown some eggs from our chickens and Im making them all different

this one is a peacock one, I cannot believe how much I love it

just snip the feather so all the down is gone and hot glue gun in a layering fashion and the results are stunning

its so nice to hold too, feels so soft and delicate

all with free stuff, those are the presents I like

two of the eggs I have gold leafed with purple and red for backgrounds.  After they are blown I cover them in tissue paper to cover the holes and it makes the gold leaf have a bit of texture.  So the egg Im doing today is with rose petal which have been drying all week, this should be stunning!

We had a poppy photoshoot in the garden this morning for another gift, cushions like the ones I made HERE, so easy to do, I will glue them tonight and start rubbing the paper off tomorrow.



So I guess in my next post i will have alot more completed and can show you more ideas.  I am loving Pinterest for this, I dont usually do things axactly like others but the initial ideas it gives you are abundant.

So back to the topic, present kids will actually keep, make it special, make it a keepsake, make it something they can hide things in, connect it to their personality or name or face.  Remember the magic and that it usually only lasts in the little years, so let it into everything you do for them.

Hope you all having fun making your gifts too.

busy little crafting elves we are

xxx

Sheree

Spring Time Pizza Feast

So I was supposed to be taking photos of the moon for a kinda group assignment but the clouds were shocking and I waited and waited and waited. Stuff it, I went to bed!
But when I awoke in the morning with my camera and tripod still set up outside, this is what I captured, the best sunrise ever! and so warm already that I could go outside and dance in it. Ah we had plans for the day but alas, all that beauty had to be hiding something right??? Rain!!

A nice spot of rain to potentially ruin the pizza lunch we had organised, so I didnt dwell, I got my camera out instead and photographed droplets of pure magic on old spider stomping grounds.

like water suspended in air

I told Indi that this is how fairies washed their faces in the morning, can you feel it???

this one is for the really dirty fairies!

So while it rained and we still had people coming over, I decided to bake after math cookies, so when you wind down a visit with the last tea you present the giant jar with the enormous cookies, it always impresses, It does suck that you cannot really see how large this jar is!  The cookies are as big as my hand so that must give you some idea! It is big and they are yum, so yum that I never cook any other cookies now, its just not worth it, nothing measures up.  I may share the recipe with you someday!

The rain slowed to a drizzle so we lit the fire and got the pizza oven ready, this is actually the first time we have used our oven in the daylight, its always an annoying night time feast, day is waaaay better.

SO the kids help me get the toppings ready, capers, chillies, olives, salami, feta, mushrooms, fresh artichoke, onion, bacon and cheese cheese cheeese!

we make a huge batch of dough and start creating pizzas for our guests

this is before, look how healthy that is

during, rain rain go away!

its ready, ohh drooll  yum yum

and after!, someones favorite food!

and her dads too, Im more of a vege girl, need something runny or fresh.

I did gross our visiters out by making a lentil pizza with last nights dahl, it had feta in too , it was pretty special in a very gross looking kinda way. But it was yum...honest! ; )

After all the pizza was done we put some italian mussels into the oven.  Whats special about these is that they come from the farm where our exact mussels spat is sent to.  (if no idea what Mussel Spat is please see THIS post)   SO at a very early stage in their lives, these mussels have passed thru my hands or heard me talking at least.  It was very yummy to be reunited.

like long lost friends!

Very yummy indeed!

All in all a wonderful afternoon.

If you want to see how we made our pizza oven from junk we had and natural resources from all around and completed it for just $18 then have a look HERE.  As long as you have a group of 10 people, the whole thing is created in a very fun day!

God those mussels look yum!

In other news, missy pants has started her little school and lurves it, I cried the first day she skipped off with out me, her happily swinging feeling free, me blubbering in the car because Im a dumb mother who wants time to her self again!  Dont worry, by the next day I was fine!

She is going 3 days a week and Im hoping this leaves a lot more time for blogging and making things for my etsy store and having dinner prepared for once and a clean house! Ha ha ohh the dreams! we will see, the balance is just reshaping at the moment, Im sure I will get there.

And to finish off probably the highlight of my very sick week, cough, cough, cough.. is that I have a new cup!  I know, I know its amazing right?

They are plastic (gasp) but Im about to confess to the herbal world, that I love nothing more than a good plastic cup, I cannot stand drinking from glass, unless its wine!

but this cup, ohh drool, the curves are so smooth and it feels amazing to hold and its big and dense and its PURPLE and ohh so comfortable to drink out of and the water just tastes better and its PURPLE!!!!! Can you hear me!!! its PURPLE.

$5 each from the Warehouse. I am in love.

I think I hear angels singing  "aaaahhhhhhhh'

thats how good it is!

So have you Found a new obsession lately???
something that is so small and consumer driven wrong but just ohhh so right??
Time To Confess!

Well wonderful peeps
Time for lunch, I think Im gonna make vege soup

so
much pizza flavoured love to you
xxx
Sheree

The 18 Virtues That Lead To My Serenity

Are you having to deal with anxiety like the other 90% of us???
Since my body has awakened, I have had a lot of fear and anxiety swimming around in my body.  It is sometimes a daily battle when things are moving thru but otherwise it has been a year and a half now so Im a dab hand at dealing with it.  Anxiety has helped me to step back and rethink the things Im doing, why is this making me anxious?? do I really need to go thru with these plans??  I have cancelled alot of things in my life that I thought were important before, and I now say NO a whole lot more.  I have no idea how I ever crammed so many things into my day before.  It was definitely my down fall.  I remember I used to sit still and try to relax but every time I did i could feel something coming, behind me, creeping in, it was such an uncomfortable feeling that I would jump up and find something to do constantly.  I couldn't even watch tv, I had to be writing at the same time or involved in an action.  Thanks to my breakdown process and the huge amount of work I have done, this is now all gone, and its quite the opposite, I feel terrible if I try to do two things at once.
A wonderful book I read that helped me understand fear and anxiety is called 'The Tibetan Art Of Serenity...how to conquer fear and gain contentment' by Christopher Hansard.  who turns out to be a New Zealander too!

One thing that stood out for me were the 18 virtues, I read them over and over and wanted to have them with me daily, so I painted and wrote them on signs to place in my garden, as a kind of meditative walk I can do daily.  but firstly here is what he writes about the virtues.

"Sometimes our minds, our hearts and our energy can seem like muddy water, but if muddy water is left to rest and be still, it will eventually clear.  In the creation of this clarity, which is serenity, you will experience what is called, in Bon tradition, the Eighteen Virtues.  Each of them and all of them will bring serenity into your daily living as they appear naturally in your life.  You will not have to make them happen, in fact, you may have some of them already.  Once they all appear, you will discover that they enable the serenity within you to be expressed directly into the material world.  Read each of them and their descriptions aloud, taking your time, and consider them as you hear yourself speak.  Each of these 18 dwells within you as living potential and as each is awakened, they merge to create a complete serenity that not only empowers you spiritually but also acts as a tool that will enable you to love and live more skillfully"

my wonderful little helper, on task about 60% of the time!
SO here are the signs we made, they are just ply wood painted with exterior paint and then the writing done in a vivid marker, I was going to go extremely arty but then just thought, just do it! and get them out there....
Enjoy the walk...here they are.

I also condensed a page he had written about the meaning of life which I just love so much, so that was made into a big sign which is like the gold at the end of the rainbow journey, and spits me back into my courtyard.

I love how he says they dwell inside you after being read, like you dont even have to be actively understanding them, just as long as you body is hearing it, you are taking it in.

If you go HERE you can print out the virtues for yourself that I have typed up.


Today is a beautifully drizzly day, perfect because of all the seeds I planted yesterday, grow seeds grow xxx and come join the healing garden, and after spending all last night packing Spat till 1am this morning, I am going to use this drizzly day to sleep and recover. Child permitting of course!

So please use these virtues every day if you can, check out the book if your having a few fear issues, it's so common these days with the Quickening going on, Im 100% certain that my bodies journey over the past years has been preparing me for this. 
If you don't know what I mean by quickening, watch this film, it explains the Mayan calender better than any other thing Ive read of watched.
It's YouTube and 1hr 15mins but very worth it, the pace and womens voice are very engaging.  Let me know what you think about it, and pass it on to anyone having a strange tough time.

Well time for bed now, those virtues took forever to type with two fingers!

Happy Awareness My Wonderful Followers

xxx
Sheree